Why Are Relationships So Painful If Love Is Supposed to Make Us Happy?

8 Uncomfortable Questions Modern Life Asks Ancient Wisdom: Day 5

Living with an Indian upbringing and building a life in Scotland has shown me that love speaks in different languages.

One generation may call frequent advice care. Another may experience it as control. A parent may think, “I am protecting you.” The child may hear, “I do not trust you.” A partner may ask for constant updates to feel close. The other may feel watched.

Both may love each other and still leave the conversation hurt. Love gets mixed with fear, expectation, ego and the need to be understood first.

The difficult question is not only, “Do I love this person?” It is: “Can I value this person even when they do not think, choose or love exactly as I do?”

When Love Becomes an Unspoken Contract

Many expectations remain silent rules.

“If you loved me, you would reply quickly.” “A good child would choose the safer career.” “A caring partner would know what I need without being told.” “My friend should take my side.”

When the rule is broken, we do not always question the rule. We question the love.

Comparison adds another wound. We compare partners with couples online, children with other children, or parents with a friend’s parents. We compare someone’s ordinary reality with another person’s edited moment.

Slowly, the person in front of us feels they are being assessed, not loved.

The Jain Lens: Raga and Dvesha in Everyday Relationships

In Jain thought, raga is attachment and dvesha is aversion. They often move together.

Raga says, “You must remain close, agree with me and behave in the way that keeps me secure.” Dvesha appears when the person refuses. Affection becomes irritation. Concern becomes criticism. Silence becomes punishment.

Love becomes painful when our peace depends on controlling another person’s response.

Use the ownership question: Am I asking this person for care, or am I asking for control so that I do not have to feel uncertainty?

A request leaves room for an answer. Control treats “no,” delay or disagreement as betrayal.

Then use the respect mirror: Would I accept the same tone, rule or judgement from them that I am using with them?

We often demand patience and understanding that we do not offer. We want our intentions recognised, while judging only the other person’s behaviour.

King Shrenik and Queen Chelna: Love Does Not Require One View

A Jain story describes King Shrenik and Queen Chelna as spouses with different religious views. Shrenik wanted to prove Chelna’s faith was misplaced and tested the meditating monk Yamadhar cruelly. The monk remained free from attachment towards the queen who helped him and aversion towards the king who harmed him.

The story is extreme, but the pattern is familiar. We listen for weakness in an argument instead of listening to understand. Winning matters more than the relationship.

Valuing a person does not require agreeing with every opinion. It requires treating their inner world as real.

Before defending yourself, say: “Help me understand what this means to you.” Repeat what you heard before answering.

Anekantavada reminds us that one viewpoint does not contain the whole reality. A parent’s question can come from love, while the child experiences pressure. One partner can need reassurance while the other needs space.

Respect begins when we stop using our intention to erase their experience.

Moh: When We Love the Person We Imagined

Moh is a clouded way of seeing. It appears when we become attached to our picture of someone instead of the actual person.

We may love a future version: the child who chooses our career, the more social partner, the always-available friend, or the parent who finally communicates as we wish.

Reliability, honesty and respect are reasonable needs. Trouble begins when an expectation is unspoken, one-sided or turns a person into our project.

Use the three-part expectation check:

1. Was it spoken? Have I clearly asked, or am I expecting mind-reading?

2. Was it agreed? Did both of us accept it, or did I decide it alone?

3. Is it mutual? Am I offering the same respect and effort I expect?

If an expectation fails all three, it may be a private wish disguised as another person’s duty.

Kama: Wanting Love Without Demanding Access

Kama includes desire, affection and pleasure. We naturally want time, attention, closeness and reassurance.

The difficulty begins when “I want” becomes “you owe me.” A delayed reply becomes neglect. A private boundary becomes secrecy. Online access makes this worse because availability can be checked all day.

Before reacting, separate the event from the story:

Event: “They replied after five hours.”

Story: “I am not important to them.”

Ask before treating the story as fact. This pause stops fear from writing the other person’s intention.

Research on couples found that feeling respected as an individual and having personal autonomy were connected with relationship satisfaction and wellbeing.

Love says, “I want to know you.” Possession says, “I need access to you so I can remain calm.”

Bhakti: Love as an Offering, Not a Transaction

Bhakti offers another language of love. In the Ramayana tradition, Shabari offers what she has to Rama with devotion. Its value lies in sincerity, not status or display.

Today, this can mean being kind without keeping score, listening without preparing a reply, and allowing care to be an offering, not an invoice.

But Bhakti must not be misused. Human relationships require mutual respect and boundaries. Selfless love does not mean accepting humiliation, manipulation, violence or repeated disregard. Leaving harm is not a failure to love.

The Bhakti question is: Can I offer care freely without using it to purchase obedience, attention or gratitude?

The Invisible Third Person in Every Relationship

Most relationship conflicts appear to involve two people.

Often, there are three.

There is you. There is the person you love. And between you stands an invisible version of who you expected them to be.

The partner who should always understand.

The child who should choose the life the family imagined.

The parent who should respond with warmth instead of advice.

The friend who should always be available.

Sometimes our deepest disappointment is not caused by what the person did. It comes from the distance between the real person and the person we created in our mind.

Then we begin speaking to the expectation instead of the individual.

We say, “You have changed,” when perhaps they have simply become clearer about who they are.

We say, “You do not value me,” when perhaps they express care differently.

We say, “After everything I have done for you,” as if love created a debt that must now be repaid through obedience.

This is where love quietly becomes possession.

Being Understood Is Not the Same as Being Agreed With

Modern research uses the term perceived responsiveness. In simple words, it means feeling that another person understands us, takes our feelings seriously and cares about what we are experiencing.

It does not mean they must agree with us.

A 2026 study involving 1,624 people found that high-quality listening supported wellbeing even during disagreement. In some parts of the research, people felt better after being listened to properly during a disagreement than after receiving ordinary listening from someone who agreed with them.

That difference matters.

A person can agree with us and still not see us.

Another person can disagree and still leave our dignity untouched.

Perhaps the real opposite of conflict is not agreement. It is the feeling that even inside disagreement, I still matter to you.

The Empty Chair Exercise

Before your next difficult conversation, imagine an empty chair beside the person.

That chair belongs to the version of them you expected.

Ask yourself:

What did the real person actually do?

Separate the event from the meaning you added to it.

What was I silently expecting?

Perhaps you expected them to reply immediately, choose your advice, remember something important or understand without being told.

Did they ever agree to this expectation?

An expectation does not become another person’s responsibility simply because it feels obvious to us.

Would I accept the same expectation if our roles were reversed?

We often ask for freedom while giving instructions. We ask to be understood while refusing to listen. We want our mistakes judged gently, but treat another person’s mistake as proof of their character.

Now mentally remove the empty chair.

Speak to the person who is actually there.

You might say:

“I realise I expected you to understand something I had not clearly said. I felt hurt, but I do not want my assumption to become your intention. Can you tell me what this situation was like for you?”

This does not guarantee agreement. It creates something more valuable: a conversation in which neither person has to disappear.

Raga asks us to notice when closeness becomes control.

Dvesha asks why someone becomes difficult to love the moment they disappoint us.

Moh asks whether we are seeing the person clearly or protecting an imagined version of them.

Kama asks whether our desire for attention has become a claim over another person’s time and choices.

Bhakti asks whether we can care without turning every act of love into an emotional invoice.

Love does not remove disappointment. It asks us not to use disappointment to erase another person’s individuality.

Perhaps relationships hurt because we ask love to give us certainty. We want certainty that the person will stay, understand, agree and remain exactly as we need them to be.

No human being can promise all of that.

Mature love offers something less comfortable but more real: the courage to care for someone we cannot completely control.

The person beside us does not need to follow our script to prove that they love us.

They need the freedom to remain a person. So do we.

References

• JainWorld, “Queen Chelna and King Shrenik”: Open source
• Jain Quantum, JAINA Education Committee, “King Shrenik and Queen Chelna”: Open source
• PubMed, “Free to Be Me With You: Development of the Individuality in Couples Questionnaire”: Open source
• Thargay and Giri, “Marital and Life Satisfaction in Eastern Himalayan Foothills”: Open source
• PubMed, “Listening Across the Divide,” 2026: Open source
• Pew Research Center, “Young Adults’ Relationship With Their Parents,” 2024: Open source
• Jagadguru Kripalu Parishat, “A Tale of Shabari”: Open source

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